Through The Lens Read online

  “Enjoying yourself?” Ethan asked, with a smirk.

  “Not really,” I said truthfully.

  Then a really pretty girl with sandy blonde hair pulled back in a single ponytail planted herself on Ethan’s lap with a smile. He smiled back. Her hand shot out. “Hi, I’m Shelly.”

  Confused, I took her hand in a quick shake and said, “I’m Jessa.”

  “Nice to meet you,” she said, then she focused her attention on Ethan. It was a rude and strange all the same. “So where have you been hiding, stranger.”

  “I’ve been waiting to find you,” he said, with easy banter.

  Giggling, she nuzzled his neck. And I thought that this girl had to know nothing was going on between us for her to act this way. “How’s Allie?”

  “Last I heard, she was good. How’s Todd?” he asked.

  Lifting up, she turned towards the field and waved to someone. “He looks pissed,” she said as if it were a joke.

  “Shell, you are crazy. You are going to get that guy killed.”

  Giggling some more, she asked, “And how am I going to accomplish that?”

  “Because he’s going to come up here and try to kick my ass for touching his girl, and I’m going to have to kill him.”

  “Okay,” she said in a tone that suggested she was stupid. “I miss you guys.”

  “You wouldn’t believe who teaches at my school,” he said.

  Giving him a speculative look, she asked, “Who?”

  “Mr. Miller,” he said.

  “Wow, that’s crazy. So that’s where he ended up?”

  Ethan shrugged. She said, “I’ll have to check him out. He took such great pictures of Allie and …”

  She looked sheepish. “It’s okay,” Ethan said to her.

  Kissing him on the cheek, she said, “I’m so sorry.” And she was off.

  Wanting to change the subject from the blank this Shelly left that spelled Carly, I asked, “Who was that?”as the storm that was Shelly blew away.

  “Oh, just a friend from the past. She used to go to our school until there was a nasty divorce between her parents. She ended up going to public school where her boyfriend went. So it wasn’t all bad.”

  Shelly’s visit hadn’t only pissed off her boyfriend. Lucy was seething from the sidelines in her cheerleading uniform.

  With a cheer, the crowd stood and was yelling. Apparently, there was some last-minute magic play that let us win. I barely saw Josh before he was herded off the field surrounded by his teammates. But he’d seen me. I’d done my girlfriend duty.

  Except one more thing, pulling up in front of Brandon’s house, I parked, readying myself for the after-party.

  Ethan didn’t seem eager to get out of my car either. I found myself asking the question that troubled me. “So what’s up with you and Lucy?”

  Frowning, he said, “If it’s Allie you are worried about, don’t. She and I have an understanding.”

  “What understanding?” I replied because I didn’t get it.

  “Not that this is your business, but you are her friend. So I understand your needs to protect her. But Allie knows about Lucy,” he said, dismissing me.

  “She knows that you and Lucy are screwing around?’ I accused.

  Anger was building in his gaze, as he opened the car door. “Maybe you should worry about your relationship with Josh and not my relationships. And don’t worry about me. I’ll find a ride home.” Many cars had followed us here for the party. So when he leaped out and nearly slammed the door, he was swallowed by the crowd, making its way up to the house.

  Anger, confusion, indignation, and all in between clouded my thoughts and grounded me in place. Parts of me wanted to cry in frustration. Others wanted me to wring Ethan’s neck. How could he be so cruel?

  Sometime later when there was a tap at my window, I almost thought that Ethan had come to apologize. I was wrong.

  “Hey,” Josh said. “What are you doing out here?” he asked when I extricated myself from my car.

  Not wanting to get into my conversation with Ethan, I said, “Waiting for you.”

  My response lit up his face. And I truly felt cared for with his gaze on me. It was the kind of look I’m sure every girl dreams of getting from a boy they’ve crushed on for years.

  With earnest, he asked so sincerely, “Do you mind if I kiss you?”

  His penance paid for in full, I nodded. He leaned in and pressed the softest sweetest kiss ever on my lips. I wanted butterflies, explosions of light, and a feeling of being utterly lost, but I got none of that. And why was that. He’d been all I dreamed of. The earth should have shook and should have fallen down the rabbit hole onto a love cloud. And it was nothing like that. My brows creased, and Josh said, “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m just a little tired,” I lied. Maybe I was just letting Ethan get to me. He was ruining this moment for me and he wasn’t even here.

  “Do you want to go home?” he asked. But I could tell he was hoping I’d stay. He’d just won the game for our team. I could support my boyfriend.

  “No, let’s go in,” I said, taking his hand. His smile turned back on, and we went inside.

  The place was wall-to-wall packed. Brandon’s house wasn’t that big, and it felt like the whole school was here. Someone was passing around drinks in clear plastic cups, but I refused. I’d been warned by my parents on too many occasions about not accepting drinks that I didn’t personally see poured out of an unopened container.

  Dancing and milling about with Josh for what seemed like forever, even in this small house, I hadn’t seen Ethan once. I’d wondered if he’d gone home until the chanting began. “GO FOR IT, MAN,” half of the crowd cheered. “GET A ROOM,” the other half of the crowd yelled. A half moat formed around a pair plastered so close to the wall they might as well be it. The only thing jutting out from there was a pair of stilettos wrapped around the guy’s waist. I recognized those jeans. They had a worn hole in the pocket, probably purposefully to be there by the fancy designer. That along with the dark mop of hair I’d recognize anywhere and the fact that he was wearing a dark colored shirt clued me to Ethan.

  Finally, he stepped away, allowing the girl to stand on her feet. Turning, I saw the red dress that Lucy was not wearing. That was a different girl. Looking back at Ethan, I saw his eyes glaze over with that I’m drunk as hell look.

  The girl in red toe walked through a parted wall of people and led Ethan upstairs. I felt sick, and I should care, but I did. Glancing at my watch, I said, “I have to get home to make curfew.” It didn’t matter that my parents weren’t home. Besides the fact they trusted me, I just needed to get out of here.

  “But Jenna and Kyle are here,” Josh said.

  “They are?” I asked. I hadn’t seen them. But Josh was quite a bit taller than me and would have seen more while we were closed in on all sides while dancing.

  “Jenna’s out back, and Kyle, I saw him go upstairs.”

  Upstairs only meant one thing. I flew into the path that was still pretty clear and made it upstairs. My brother was walking out of a room, buttoning his pants with a brunette on his heels, smoothing down her shirt and sporting a serious case of bed head. Kyle passed a waiting Ethan and bumped fists with him before Ethan disappeared in the room Kyle had vacated.

  “Kyle Shelby,” I said with my hands on my hips. My voice sounded bizarrely like Mom’s.

  Kyle looked up. “Who is that?” The girl with him asked.

  “That’s my sister.” Half swiveling, he kissed the girl and said, “Gotta go.”

  Kyle strode past me, and when he did, he said, “Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Where’s Jenna?”

  “Out back,” I said and followed him there.

  Was everyone on the planet horn dogs? My sister was straddling Billy. “Jenna,” I said, chastising her. Scaring her, she fell back on the ground landing on her ass and laughing.

  “Shit, Jess, you scared the crap out of me.”

  “Let’s go,�
�� I said.

  “Why?” she asked. “I’m not ready to go.” She was drunk.

  Kyle was helping her up, when I said, “Jenna, we’re leaving now.”

  Billy stood and kissed her, “Later, babe. I’ll call you.”

  “Why are you being such a party poop,” she asked as I dragged her around the side of the house. No reason to try to break through the masses in the house.

  “Stop acting like a slut,” I said.

  “Just because you’re still a virgin doesn’t mean you should rain on our parade,” she complained.

  Stopping, I whirled on her. “And you’re not?”

  Kyle spoke, sounding surprisingly sober. “Let’s talk in the car.”

  Stopping off, I got to the car to find Josh there. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “Yes,” I said, still seething. I’d unlocked the car and Kyle managed to get my sister in the backseat.

  Taking my hand, Josh said, “Drive safe.” Then he kissed me tenderly like he did at the start of the party. At this very moment, I didn’t deserve him, I thought for a second.

  “Night,” I said, before getting in the car.

  Holding on to the steering wheel as if it were my lifeline, Kyle said, “Chill, Jess, before you have a stroke.”

  “I can’t believe you, Kyle. Who was that girl?” I asked.

  Shrugging, he said, “I met her at the party.”

  “And you just bagged her?” I asked. He shrugged again. I shook my head.

  “You ruined everything, Jess,” my sister called from the back.

  “You’ll be grateful in the morning when you realize that you didn’t lose your virginity in a stupid drunk move.”

  She ignored me. She practically leaped out of the car when we made it home. Thankfully neither paid attention that a car was missing from our garage.

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Sitting in Madison’s room the next day with Bradley, I gave them the whole story.

  “What’s going on with you and Ethan?” Bradley asked.

  Lying back, I picked at the ribbons of one of the woven pillows in Madison’s very pink and blue room. More navy blue than pink, but still. “Nothing,” I sighed.

  Madison plucked the pillow out of my hand and said, “He’s right. You sound like you have it bad.”

  Covering my eyes with my hands, I said, “It’s so wrong. I mean why now? I finally have Josh, and I can’t stop thinking about Ethan. And Ethan isn’t available, and he’s a cheater.”

  “That’s not true,” Bradley said. “He said, they had an understanding. In guy speak they are friends with benefits.”

  “That’s just so wrong,” I said again. “Allie’s not the type of girl to agree with that.”

  Bradley looked at Madison. She looked back at him, and they came to some sort of conclusion. “How well do you really know her or either of them for that matter?” she said in a calm voice.

  “So what are you saying?” I said, sitting up.

  “Well, if he’s lying about it, he’s not the kind of guy you want to be with. And if he’s not, is that the type of relationship you are looking for?” she asked.

  Blowing out a gush of air, I said, “No and no.” It felt so final. But this is what I needed.

  “So what about Josh?” I asked.

  Looking at Bradley again, I wondered if they’d talked about this, and this was some sort of intervention. “Don’t break up with Josh to be with Ethan. Break up with Josh because you don’t want him.”

  Driving home, I didn’t have answers. I liked Josh. So I didn’t feel like I thought I would after crushing on him so long. Maybe it took time to develop feelings for someone. And maybe the things I felt for Ethan were nothing more than crushing on him from afar. Madison was right. Ethan was totally off limits for so many reasons. I wouldn’t drop him as a friend, but I would continue with the mindset that he wasn’t available whether he was or wasn’t.

  Ethan wasn’t at school on Monday, so I didn’t bother with Yearbook Club. It was raining so hard, I also figured, I didn’t want to wait out in the rain for Jenna. So I went home with Bradley. Although Ethan finally showed up on Wednesday, we barely spoke. But I understood his pattern. When he was mad, he ignored me.

  Friday after school at my locker, Madison stopped me. “I can’t meet you tonight at the party,” she said.

  Pouting, I said, “Why?”

  “I’m ready to do it,” she said, with an expression of pure delight.

  “Do what?” I asked, confused.

  “It,” she said, expressing the word like it should mean something. Then it did.

  “Oh my gosh, are you serious?” I asked.

  Nodding, she said, “I’m ready.”

  Wow, it felt like the world was ready. What was wrong with me? Was I that lame?

  After leaving school, sitting in the back seat of the car with my best friends, I was alone. Not because they excluded me. I just thought about Ethan and the girl in red, my brother and a nameless female, my sister and her longtime boyfriend, and now my best friends. They were all part of some secret society I knew nothing about. Should I want to do it? I should have asked how Madison knew. Did she test the waters, or did she wake up one day and just know. We were friends, but Bradley was my friend, too. Maybe she felt like she couldn’t discuss these things with me until she was sure.

  They dropped me off, and I gave them both a half smile. I hadn’t asked her if Bradley knew, so I could hardly wish them good luck, and was that in poor taste to do so?

  Josh had an away game. So I didn’t go. It was early enough in the day that we’d made plans for the evening. We were meeting up at an after party assuming they won.

  I wore a dress that could pass for casual and work for a party, too. It was a summer dress so I wore a cardigan with it. My wedge heel shoes should be comfortable enough for the whole evening, at least I hoped.

  When I walked into the party, I realized it was a more exclusive party than last week. There were still a lot of people, but it wasn’t standing room only. Josh found me right away and led me outside. On the way, I passed by Ethan who barely glanced at me. Lucy was with him. She must not be mad about the party last week.

  The night was chilly, so no one was outside when we finally made our way to the back. Josh sat on a lounge chair, and I snuggled beside him.

  “So you guys won again,” I said.

  Smiling, he said, “It was close, but we pulled through.”

  Snatches of conversations said that scouts were coming to that game. “So, did you see any college recruiters?”

  “I don’t know. I guess they were there,” he said, nonchalantly. “Enough about football. I missed you.”

  It was thrilling to know that his words masked the look in his eye. He was stretched out, and I was curled on my side facing him. His head lifted off the chair, and I angled in to kiss him. I waited for the fireworks to rain down over us. But I waited in vain. It was nice but it wasn’t like how it was described in stories.

  His hand moved and caught the hem of my dress, pulling it up a bit. I could tell it was by accident. Josh was being super careful, and I appreciated it. So when his hand moved to push my dress down and landed on my bare thigh, I didn’t protest. I wanted to know. I wouldn’t lead him on. I wasn’t ready for the next step. But there should be a thrill or something about his hand on me.

  Placing my hand on his chest, I leaned more into him. He groaned, but his hand remained where it was. “God, you’re killing me Jenna.”

  I froze. Pulling back, I looked at him. For a moment, he didn’t realize his mistake. I got up, scrambling to get away from him. He’d called me by my sister’s name. We didn’t look that much alike, and this wasn’t an innocent mistake. He should know who his girlfriend was.

  “Jessa, shit, I’m sorry,” he called out. But I was heading for my car before my tears fell. I slipped through the crowd before he could catch me. I dash out and got into the car before he made it out of the house. I was down the st
reet before he made it to the sidewalk.

  The drive back home was blurry. All my frustrations and insecurities played out at that moment. He’d probably never wanted me. My phone rang a billion times, and I didn’t answer. I didn’t even look at it.

  Getting home to an empty house was new. Mom and Dad were usually here. But then everyone in the house had a life except me. I had no one to turn to. Madison and Bradley were getting it on probably. I wouldn’t disturb them.

  My phone rang again. With my whole family out, I thought I should at least look in case there was an emergency. Picking up the phone, I saw it was Allie.

  “Hello,” I said, sounding reasonably calm.

  “Hey, girly. How the hell have you been?” She said, sounding cheerful.

  Not wanting to rain on her parade, I said, “Been better. How about you?”

  Her exhale was telling. She was about to lay something heavy on me and in my current state I wasn’t sure I could handle many more surprises, at least not the bad kind.

  “I’m good. Look, I’m in town. I have a run to make, then I’m going to see Ethan,” she said in a rush of words. “I’ve met someone I really like. So I’m going to break it off with him. And I need you to be there for him,” she said.

  Break it off, but Ethan said they had an arrangement. “Jessa, I need you to look after him. If I didn’t know you were going to be there for him, I wouldn’t do this. I’m just not sure how he will handle it. The last time with Carly…”

  I remembered the story. He’d gotten drunk and nearly killed everyone. “Okay,” I said.

  “This will be a fast trip, but I swear we will get together next time,” she said.

  The phone bobbed on my ear as I nodded, but remembered she couldn’t see me. “Yeah, sure.”

  “Okay, I’ve got to go, love. Later.”

  And she hung up.

  Staring at the phone, I didn’t know how I could be friends with Ethan and help him through when he’d obviously lied to me. But, he’d come out of nowhere to help me out with Josh. I could do him a favor as well. Pay it forward, I told myself.