Broken Lens Page 5

  With her tucked in my side, the world was right again. She was the earth, and my moon was back in alignment. I could orbit her forever and didn’t care what the world thought.

  Her stomach growled, and I murmured, “Are you hungry?”

  It was a dumb question. I’d heard the evidence already. I moved to scoot off the bed when she said, “Ethan,” in a way that scared me.

  “Let’s leave the heavy stuff for later.” Her eyes danced with something. Maybe I just refused to see. “Let me get you something to eat. I’ll order a pizza.”

  Everything had been set in advance. I’d stocked the place with a few things because I’d planned to bring her there after the hotel. I dialed the number I’d tacked on the inside door of a cabinet. I pulled out the Greek yogurt she liked and a bottle of water. I walked back and handed it to her just as the line picked up. I placed an order while watching her eat remembering all the times we’d spent this way over the past summer.

  “How do you like school?” Small talk was the key. I wanted to know about her life and all I missed in the past few weeks.

  “It’s good. My roommate… I’m not so sure about.” She laughed, and there was an inside joke I wasn’t privy too. Part of me wanted to pry, but I also didn’t want the trajectory of our conversation to change into something heavy that I wasn’t ready to hear.

  “Do you like your classes?”

  She nodded, “I do.”

  That was our easy relationship. She gave me a rundown of her classes and what she liked and didn’t like.

  “How is Kyle handling not having you and Jenna around?”

  Her smile brightened at the mention of her younger brother.

  “He’s loving not having to share the car with us. But he hates that Mom and Dad’s scrutiny only has one target left in the house.”

  She laughed to herself like there was more. I hated the distance between us, but I didn’t ask for more than she was willing to share. Instead, I took a chance to ask about her other sibling.

  “Have you spoken to Jenna?”

  It was probably a bad idea to bring up Jess’s identical twin sister. Jess hadn’t yet forgiven Jenna for making out with Josh, Jess’s boyfriend, at that time.

  “No,” All the humor was sucked out of the room with that one cold word.

  Quickly, I shifted the conversation elsewhere.

  “How are you parents holding up with two of you out of the house?”

  She launched into a story about how her Mom caught Kyle trying to sneak in a girl in the house. And so went our night. The pizza came, and we watched TV. We ended up back in bed and not just for sleep, although at some point it finally claimed us. When morning came, I wanted to lay there with her not ready to give up the feeling of having her by my side. But I had a game to get to.

  When we left, I decided that rent for this place had been worth the small investment. The money in the account the authorities couldn’t take because it had been in my name was all I had. And possibly, it was all I would ever have until I finished college and started a job unless something drastically changed. I couldn’t’ be frivolous in my spending. The bite in my budget for rent was a big one, but well worth it if it meant more nights with Jess and me together.

  I pulled up to the spot near where I’d picked her up the night before. She handed me the helmet after she got off. I stood, and jimmy-rigged it to the empty space behind me. I already missed her warmth. I bent down and kissed her lightly prepared to go on the high I’d rolled in on.

  “Ethan.”

  “Huh,” I muttered against her mouth.

  She took a step back, and I saw it in her eyes. When she glanced away, she might as well have lanced a dagger in my heart. “What happened last night shouldn’t have.”

  I was prepared to argue because if anything she had instigated what happened.

  “I wanted you.” She shrugged, and I almost felt used. But if feeling that way meant I could be with her, I would take it. “I had a good time.” Cue the awkward pause as it hung in the air. Clearly, she was about to give me the brush off. “I still love you.”

  The but that would no doubt come, lingered unsaid. The hope, I should have gotten by her admission of love, was muted by her continued pause. For me, the night had been earth shattering. I’d screwed more girls than I’d cared to think about. Yet with her, it was different. So very different, I craved it more than any easy lays I’d been offered.

  “But,” and there it was. “You have to know that things aren’t fixed between us.”

  My mouth opened but closed before I said something stupid like you’ll have sex with me, but we can’t be together. Instead, I remained calm and said, “What does that mean?”

  “It means, I still need time, and I hope you can respect that.”

  The only thing I could do was dumbly stand there and blink. My heart raged to tell her it was stupid. She had to know how good we were together. But I’d been the one to fuck up, so I held my tongue so much so I began to taste something metallic.

  “You can’t show up here like this,” she gestured wildly with her hands. I assumed she was talking about our night together. “I still love you in a crazy way and you make things hard when I see you.”

  That’s exactly what I wanted. “How long?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe we should—”

  I cut her off because there was no way I was letting her finish that sentence. “Fine. I can be patient.” I’d proven that I knew how to be patient. I’d waited several months before she was ready to have sex for the first time never once putting pressure on her. “I’ll wait however long. There is no one else I want to be with. You have to know that.”

  She nodded.

  “We can get through this.”

  She lifted on her toes and kissed my cheek. “I do love you.” With that, she walked away, and I was left wondering if it had been her way of saying goodbye.

  nine

  The tip of my nose could touch the open psychology book, and the words wouldn’t get any clearer. It was no use studying. Ever since I returned from my night with Jess, all I could do was think of her. Her soft skin, her soft touch, and her hard words that felt like the end of everything that I thought had been the beginning.

  “Hey, Ethan.”

  I looked up to see Evan’s blonde on the bus stopped next to my seat. “Hey,” I muttered in a cold unwelcome greeting.

  She took my hint and passed without further comment. From across the aisle, Bear winked at my puzzled expression. We were heading to an away game. I had no idea why she was on the bus. Evans wasn’t going with us.

  Bear mouthed Cheerleader before leaning into the aisle. I mirrored his movement wondering what he had to say. “I love girls with failing grades.” When I stared at him bemused, his grin broadened. “She’s got double Ds.”

  His smile was wide with a staircase of teeth filling his gully. I rolled my eyes and moved back to my seat and shook my head. I tried desperately to focus on the open textbook in front of me, wanting to soak up the words that were black dots against the sea of white. Once I realized that I couldn’t, I tucked the book back in my backpack and slipped on my Beats headphones. A blast of Jess’s favorite band hit my ears like a head punch. I almost turned off sound in frustration until a haunting voice sang a painful song that mirrored my soul. I let the music fill my head space until it was time to get on the field.

  Our team’s effort was a bust. We lost, and even though my coach didn’t blame anyone, I knew my head hadn’t been in the game. The only consolation was that I had an excuse for bowing out of the after party.

  The rest of the week cruised by in a blur. Radio silence was the only response to my nightly text to Jess. By Friday, desperate I made the call needing to hear her voice.

  “Hello,” an unfamiliar male voice answered.

  I hesitated and glanced at my phone unsure if I’d called the right number. But there was Jess pic splashed across the screen. “Can I speak to Jess?” I gritted thr
ough my teeth.

  “She stepped out. Can I take a message?”

  No dickwad, I thought. I don’t want you take a fucking message. “No.” I barely said the word before I ended the call.

  A pressure in my hand indicated that I held onto the device like I wanted to crush it. A dagger lanced through my chest, and I rubbed at the aching spot. I didn’t bother to text Jess what the hell. The fact that a guy thought it okay to answer her phone was all the confirmation I needed that she’d moved on. In a space of hours from my bed, she was with another. Even though my heart knew Jess wasn’t that type, my knee-jerk reaction to the hurt was my excuse as to why I ended up at a party that night.

  “It’s like a zoo man,” Bear said with the exuberance of a guy who knew he was going to get laid.

  I gazed around the place curious what he would say next. “How so?”

  “Beautiful creatures in every shape and size,” he said, eying a girl who strode by. “That ass right there is a perfect ten.”

  Unable not to agree, I offered up my hand in a fist bump. While I was pissed and broken up over Jess, I wondered at the wisdom of coming out. The chicks were out in full force, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to move on. Then my roommate did something I’d have to kill him later for.

  “Ethan Hart’s in the house,” he shouted with raised arms to gain attention over the loud music.

  Everyone turned in our direction and raised cups in shouts of praise followed. A girl in a red tank and short jean shirt sauntered over. She flipped long brown hair over her shoulder and flashed baby blues at me. “You thirsty?”

  An image of Jess kissing some guy in her room made me bold and reckless.

  “For what exactly?” I felt cockiness I thought I’d lost came to the forefront. Why hold back?

  “Oh, I think we can come up with something,” she practically purred.

  “Nice,” Bear said shoving my shoulder so that I moved in the brunette’s direction.

  She held out her hand, and I took it letting her lead me over to the fray where everyone was dancing as if they had sex on the brain. I wanted more than a cock tease. I wanted Jess. But let the brunette lead me anyway. I grabbed a drink on the way and downed it before we made it across the room. If I had any hope of being with someone else, I would need liquid encouragement.

  Without shame, she placed my hands on her hips and swiveled around to ground her plump ass on me. I let one of my hands slide over her hip and the other come across her midsection to pull her further against me. She was so small in my arms, as I straightened; my forearm had the pleasure of feeling the underside of her full breast.

  Her neck arched back, and she gave me access to the line of her throat. But she wasn’t Jess. There was no stir in my pants and no real desire to be with her or anyone. Thinking that Jess had easily moved on, spurred me.

  I didn’t want to dance with this girl. I didn’t want to be at the party. Yet, I found myself bending my head and whispering in her ear. “Are you ready to take this some place private?”

  My chest felt like it had been cracked open by a Jess sized axe impaled there. I allowed it to fuel my brazenness. We’d only been dancing a minute or two. In a one eighty move, the girl faced me. It had been so easy to fool myself in thinking I could move on until I saw her face. It cracked my resolved. I couldn’t do this. It shocked the shit out of me that there was no way I could screw this girl no matter if Jess had moved on or not.

  With gorilla arms, she wrapped herself around my neck and craned up to line her lips directly with mine. Even if I had been ready to move on, I wasn’t one to kiss a girl I barely knew.

  Out of nowhere, a shameless auburn haired girl took care of any awkward apology on my part. She shoved the brunette out of my arms. I watched in disbelief as it unfolded in front of me.

  “You bitch,” shorty said.

  The brunette looked stunned for a second before her eyes narrowed. She placed tiny fists on her waist as she lost the look of bafflement. A crowd was quick to gather, but no one moved to stop the two from circling each other like prey. Neither had I. Curiosity had me caught in the headlights of an oncoming train wreck.

  “I told you I was going to hook up with Ethan and as soon as I turned my back, you’re rubbing up all over him.”

  My eyebrows rose. I didn’t know the redhead girl. Yet she spoke like it was a far gone conclusion that we were going to hook up.

  “You’re not his type. He wanted me,” the brunette sneered through bared teeth.

  Some of the crowd glanced in my direction. At a loss, I shrugged before tossing back the rest of the contents in the cup I held. Next thing I knew, there was a lot of hair pulling and kicking that ended in a heap limbs writhing on the floor. The chants in favor of the fight began when the two tore at each other’s clothes. There was a point when maybe I should have gone in there and broken it up. Too bad for the girls I’d been there and done that. It always ended up the same way with me the bad guy. I had enough legal problems.

  I snagged another drink and headed outside. I wouldn’t be the excuse for the two girls to go at it. Coming to the party was supposed to be fun and make me forget. Instead, I was reminded how empty it would have been to be with a girl I barely knew. I thought back to the phone call as I glanced at my dark cell. Jess hadn’t called, not that the dickwad would have told her she’d missed a call. I downed the second drink like a dying man.

  “Looks like you’re hiding.”

  I turned to find Evans’s blonde.

  “Not hiding,” I replied testily. Ignoring her, I stared into my cup feeling like my throat was doing a good impression of a desert.

  “You’re the man of the hour. You should be inside.”

  I tossed the blue cup in a convenient trash bin left at the bottom of the stairs. “It’s turned into Fight Club in there.”

  She giggled. “You should be used to girls fighting over you.”

  The effects of two drinks did their work. My tolerance had lowered since I’d gotten with Jess and stopped looking for liquor to cure all my ailments. I placed my hand on the railing as the image of Meghan blurred. I thought about missing lunch because of the game and dinner because of how sick I’d been after the phone call to Jess. It had been a bad idea to drink on an empty stomach. When my eyes focused, I realized how seriously cute Meghan was. I watched as she pulled a pack of cigarettes from her pocket. I held out my hand.

  Her eyebrows rose, but she held out the pack to me. Smoking wasn’t a vice but something I used to do on rare occasions long ago when I was particularly twisted. Tonight, I was in the mood to lose myself in a haze of vanishing happiness.

  I tapped one out and sat on the steps that led down from the deck to a path of darkness. She sat beside me and cupped her hand to her mouth as she lit up. When I held out my hand for the lighter, she turned and offered the end of her lit cigarette still perched between glossy lips. I turned and let my unlit end meet her burning one. I sucked in the carcinogens setting fire to my insides.

  With her eyes focused on me, she blew out the side of her mouth, so the stream of gray didn’t blow in my face. “I’m Meghan by the way.”

  Her hand popped out of nowhere, and I took it. “I remember,” I said, before inhaling.

  Her hands were soft, and her handshake wasn’t limp.

  “And we’ve established you are the Ethan worth fighting over.”

  Maybe it was the amber liquid in her hand, but there was something more dangerous in her eyes. She looked at me like she wanted to know me. The real me, not rich or used to be rich me, not starting quarterback me, and not she found me hot either. I hated to admit I found that look incredibly compelling, which wasn’t a good thing in my current state of mind.

  “Actually I’m not,” I answered before giving her a wayward smile. I got to my feet because even if I wasn’t bitter over possibly losing Jess, I wasn’t ready for anything with anyone else. I moved to the deck railing and leaned on it, staring out into the night, wishing I were anywhe
re but there.

  Meghan was undeterred. Her forward progress was more like a saunter or a prowl. She held me in her sights as she made her way over to the railing I was perched on.

  “You act clueless sometimes. But I know better.” Her smile was knowing, and her pink glossy lips screamed kiss me. And my resolve started to falter. I didn’t think it had anything to do with the girl in front of me, but more because I wanted to be known. I didn’t want to feel the emptiness and loss over my forever girl. I bit the inside of my cheek.

  Despite my inner turmoil, I played along. “And what am I clueless about?”

  The corners of her eyes lifted up in amusement. Her hand swept down the length of my body and without touching me she made me almost smile. “Look at you. You’re like one of those beautiful guys on campus who apparently collects equally beautiful girls for sport.”

  I shook my head. “You have me mistaken.” I took a long drag on the cigarette in order not to say anything else. “I’m nobody.”

  To distract myself from the girl, I turned away into the darkness searching for the ghost that had stolen my heart. When Meghan’s hand gripped my bicep, I closed my eyes wanting so much for that touch to be someone else’s. In my mind, I cursed Jess for the position I was in. Yet, I’d been the one to cause it.

  I heaved a heavy sigh through corrupted lungs as I pulled back. “Meghan, I can’t.” It was kind of weird saying that.

  She seemed like a nice girl and wasn’t dressed like she was for wholesale.

  “Can’t what?” She laughed. “Who said I was offering anything? I mean you have a girlfriend who must be around here somewhere.” She took a step back and smirked.

  I scrubbed a hand down my face. Had I been wrong about the vibe she was putting out? I held up a hand. “Sorry.”